This past weekend, David and I took a little work retreat to Lake Arrowhead. As self-employed people who work from home, the days can sometimes blend together and all feel the same.
So for the second year in a row, we decided to rent a cabin nestled in the trees where we could write, brainstorm ideas, and create content. Lake Arrowhead is a beautiful area in the mountains, about two hours outside of Los Angeles.
Because the town is built around the lake on a sloping mountainside, many of the homes sit up above the treetops below. I’m always amazed at how quickly my creativity flourishes with fresh air and a starry sky.
One of the topics I was thinking about is the unique moment when energy and messages come to me, and it’s rarely when I expect it. I can sit in meditation, and it’s relaxing, but I don’t always hear or see anything. What boggles my mind is that it’s usually during some form of physical exercise that my channel feels strongest. That’s when my angels and guides seem to be the chattiest.
David and I were in the middle of a brainstorming session as I was talking about this, and we decided that on our morning walk, we’d take some photos while exercising in case I felt inspired to write about the experience.
As we walked around the lake, David would occasionally turn around, ask me to pause, and snap a photo of me. With each photo, I could feel a swell of profound insecurity creeping in. This time, instead of hearing my angels and guides, my shadow self started whispering nonsense into my consciousness:
“Why would anyone care about your exercise routine? There is no part of you physically that would inspire someone.”
Hearing those words pass through my mind stung like a bee. And at first, the sting not only felt real, but also true.
I’ve come to a place in my spiritual journey where I can observe, and even engage in conversation with, my shadow self. So as my heart pumped and sweat ran down my face, I took a deep breath and internally asked my shadow self to tell me more about what it meant.
The whispering turned into an avalanche of fear. I wasn’t fit enough, strong enough, attractive enough (enough, enough, enough) to even mention attending to my health and fitness. My shadow self kept telling me this was “outside” my lane.
But rather than running from the voice, I asked it for more: what would it take to be enough?
It fired off a series of random images straight from a fitness magazine. “Perfect” bodies, people with six pack abs standing on their heads in yoga poses, and people running marathons. It essentially told me that if I did these things, then I’d be worthy of sharing my perspective on fitness.
I took a deep breath and put my hand over my heart. With each breath, I became keenly aware of the root of all these fears. I was the last kid picked for gym class in my youth and was 100 pounds overweight as a young adult.
I may not be an athlete, but I do have a fitness routine. And I am, indeed, worthy of talking about anything that creatively inspires me. I’m sharing this in case you also hear a shadow whisper saying that you aren’t good enough to do something.
Our shadow selves might tell us we’re too old, too young, not trained, not enough, or as mine did, not an inspiration to anyone in any way.
I’ve come to realize that in these moments, it’s just fear, the fear of vulnerability. The photos we were taking weren’t staged in any way, and they weren’t taken by a professional photographer. They’re candid snapshots from a walk in nature, trying to connect back to source.
Even though I live a fairly public life as part of my work (sharing photos, videos, pieces of my day-to-day), my brain still finds ways to whisper the same old line: stay in your lane. Only teach what’s safe, and only share what doesn’t ask you to be seen too closely.
And here’s the irony. I’ve had editors, TV producers, and event coordinators tell me the exact same thing, in their own words. Stick to color, stick to auras. Stay in your lane.
But when you’re self-employed, who draws that line? There’s no manager, no job description, no chart telling you what you’re allowed to talk about.
The lane isn’t real. It’s a story, and more often than not, fear is the one writing it. Whether it’s our own fear, or someone else’s fear projected onto us, the root is the same.
So the next time that whisper shows up, telling you to stay small, stay safe, stay in your lane, I want you to ask it the same question I did on that walk:
What would it take to be enough?
Give yourself space and then notice what it shows you. Chances are, it’s not the truth. It’s just fear, dressed up as good advice.
I’d love to hear what your shadow self tells you when you ask it that question, drop a comment and let me know! I read every one.
Much Love,
5 Responses
I always appreciate how open and honest you are. I know that while you have a very public life you really are a very private person, who doesnt enjoy being around large groups of people.
I am glad you and David take this trip. It feeds your soul. We all need that.
Be well.
I’ve been telling my “shadow side” to FK off, I am all that and a bag of chips 😁!!! Always try to live your happy, be kind to yourself and others ❣️
Every time I don’t listen to a sixth sense internal message I receive, I find that I was instinctively right and should have listened to my inner voice. Then I get frustrated with myself for not listening and either ignoring or doubting that voice. Why do I lack faith in myself?
Thank you, Dougall, for sharing! I have never thought to stop that inner voice/fear by asking it, “What would it take to be enough?” Self-doubt, not good enough, will never be as good as the other person, imposter syndrome, etc. has been occurring almost on a daily basis for me lately. Reading your post is exactly what I need right now. Thank you for reminding me that it is only the false narrative in my head & I am so much more than that! I hope you & David received the R&R you both so deserve!! 🤗❤️
You are so beautifully honest and authentic, thank you! I too even at 65 years have a poor body image. But as of late I say who cares. I love hiking, biking, walking, swimming and being outside that is what brings me joy. As a side bonus I stay in shape and am healthy. Some of us grew up being teased and bullied because of our appearance … no more. I too was the last one picked for a team activity in school.. so humiliating. But that experience albeit painful helped me to appreciate my self more. It made me the strong person I am today both physically and emotionally.
Sharing your story brings the awareness of connection. Much gratitude. Diane.