Last week, David and I traveled to Florida for a dual-purpose trip. We were meant to attend a cousin’s wedding in Miami on David’s side of the family, and then head to Naples to visit my dad, who had recently moved into memory care.
In the days leading up to the trip, I found myself having these surreal role-reversal thoughts. I imagined swooping into town, taking my dad out to dinner, having lunch by the beach. Recreating, in some way, what he used to do for me during parents’ weekend at sleepaway camp.
These movie-like fantasies played on repeat in my mind. But underneath them, there was a quiet awareness. A gentle voice reminding me to prepare for the possibility that none of that would be possible, or even in his best interest.
The day before we left, I got a call and everything shifted. My dad had been admitted to the emergency room.
We landed in Miami and drove straight to the hospital. The moment I walked into his room, I knew I wouldn’t be attending the wedding. My sweet dad was mostly asleep, and when he was awake, he was confused and not making much sense.
The next eight days were spent by his side. Advocating for him. Re-explaining to him what was happening, many times a day. Holding space for both of us in a reality neither of us could have fully prepared for.
What stood out most to me was how much my energy management was tested.
When it was just the two of us in the room, I would consciously slow myself down. I used my breath to soften my energy.
I’ve found that with dementia, too much stimulation or rapid conversation can increase agitation and confusion.
So my cadence changed. My tone softened. My pace slowed. And it seemed to help him feel more at ease.
But then the doctors would come in.
Their energy was often fast, clinical, and overwhelming. They would speak quickly, using medical terminology that felt foreign and, at times, triggering. In those moments, I had to do the opposite. I had to speed up and meet them where they were.
I became both a student and an advocate at the same time. I started learning the medical language used in these environments, and asking better questions to make sure he was getting the right care.
And, most importantly, knowing when to say no to something that felt unnecessary or too invasive.
There were also stark contrasts in care. Some nurses felt like guardian angels, tending to my dad with patience, compassion, and a calming presence. Others required me to step in more assertively when I didn’t like their tone or level of care.
And in all of this, the people pleaser in me was very aware of itself. I was constantly navigating when to expand and when to contract. When to soften and when to stand firm.
What I realized is that this dynamic isn’t unique to a hospital setting.
We do this all the time.
We are either reacting or responding. Expanding or contracting. Feeling supported or feeling challenged. And having awareness of how your energy is interacting with an environment, and how to consciously adjust it, is incredibly powerful.
Here’s the lesson that I’m learning:
At home, in a controlled environment, it’s much easier to feel centered and peaceful. But experiences like this reveal the truth of your practice.
How do I respond when I’m exhausted?
When I’m overwhelmed?
When I’m hungry, stressed, and running on little sleep?
Can I still find my center?
A simple practice you can try:
The next time you walk into a room, pause for just a moment.
Notice the energy.
Don’t judge it, just notice it.
Then ask yourself one question:
What does this moment need from me?
Does it need you to slow down To take a step back? To listen more deeply?
Or does it need you to step forward, speak clearly, and hold a boundary?
Let your energy become a conscious choice, not just a reaction.
Because the truth is, your power isn’t just in staying calm when life is peaceful.
It’s in your ability to find your center, even when it’s not.
Much Love,
35 Responses
Thank you Dougall for sharing as my prayers are with you at this time. Sending you and David and your Father much love, prayers, angel hugs, and guidance for all you are doing for him at this time. Be well. Rest. Have Faith. Love, Janet
Words can’t accurately convey the amazing timing of your post as I’ve been primary caregiver for my mother struggling with Alzheimer’s. It’s been a emotionally trying road as you astutely describe the varying scenarios of energies at any given time. Unlike you been mostly grounded, I have found myself being swallowed up at times by the dance of trying to observe and having to actively advocate for a loved one who can’t do it for themselves. Having just lost that person, I’m truly grieving but grateful all at the same time. Not sure what to say other than my need to control and fix the situation generally never solved the challenges but made the journey more trying for all. I have so much gratitude for you and your gifts….I am still struggling presently to find that inner peace as I’m raw with torn emotions….much thanks
I went through this with my mother who also lived in Florida after I had moved to Georgia. It was at times heartbreaking but I am so grateful that she hung in like the fighter she was and allowed me to be there with her during the long journey. Your heart is so apparent during your fathers journey and I am grateful to be a part of it as you share your story with us all.
Thank you for sharing that, Yvonne. I really appreciate you saying that my heart came through in the post. These moments can be so heartbreaking, but they also bring deep connection. I’m grateful you took the time to share a bit of your journey with your mother.
Hi Dougall – my thoughts and prayers are with you during this challenging time. I thought your blog was beautiful and a reminder to slow down when we can to recharge our own batteries, especially when the world around is hectic and challenging. Big hugs …Jacqui
Thank you Jacqui, I agree completely. Slowing down is important, especially in moments when everything feels so fast and overwhelming. Big hugs back to you.
Dearest Dougall, wishing you a full spectrum center. May you be ever grateful for this time and experience, it is but one of infinite timelines, past, present, and future. It also appears as a perfect example of the Saturn x Neptune conjunction, moving from Pisces into Aries. Chin up, onward we flow.
PS I feel your blog lessons describe what I learned on the Lightworkers’ cruise! Love, Peace and Joy my friend.
Thank you Kathy, I’m grateful for your kind words. And it means a lot to hear that the lessons from the cruise are still resonating with you. Sending love right back to you. 💕
Dougall, I cannot imagine how your writer self managed this post.I am deeply grateful for your sharing your Truth in this complex circumstance.Blessings to you and your family for all you endure and navigate.A privilege to walk along side. …..Sending gratitude use and deep care for all you offer
Thank you, Vera. It really means a lot that you took the time to read and reflect on it with me. Writing about experiences like this can be tender, but I’m grateful it can be shared with such a kind and supportive community. 🩵
Sending you much love! Even though he may not have been able to tell you, but your being there for him was the most loving thing. Being a caregiver and an advocate for a parent (or any family member) is not easy whether short or long term.
When my dad got sick in July of 2022 (he was in and out of the hospital, three care centers and home in between the 2nd and 3rd care center for 2 months) and prior to his passing, I was his advocate which I am sure just thrilled some of the nurses and CNAs :). I am very grateful I could be there for him.
Thank you for sharing that, Lisa. I really relate to what you said about being an advocate. It’s not always the easiest role, but it’s such an important way we can show up for the people we love. I’m glad you were able to be there for your dad.
I just deleted a long replay and decided to simply send you a huge hug 🫂 It’s so hard watching our loved ones decline xoxoxo
Laurie Wilson
Thank you Laurie, I really appreciate your kind words. It truly is hard watching someone you love go through this. Sending a hug right back to you.
Your words truly resonated with me. Caring for a parent asks so much of our hearts and our presence. It reminds me how important it is to understand the flow of energy—who we truly are—and the importance of directing that energy with love. It is not always easy when things get tough.
I’m walking a similar path as I care for my parents, learning—imperfectly but sincerely—how to live in that portal of love while our worlds are shaken.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently. Wishing you and your family grace and peace as you move through this journey.
Thank you, Gretchen. I really appreciate you sharing that you’re walking a similar path with your parents. It asks so much of us, and the love we bring to those moments really does matter. Wishing you grace and strength as you continue caring for them. 🤍
This is a very insightful post that we can all use as you have pointed out in difficult situations – conscious action, not mere reaction. I have been where you are and know how hard – yet rewarding – this time can be. Sending you much love and prayers for a peaceful journey ahead.
Thank you, Ann Marie. I really appreciate you sharing that you’ve walked a similar path. It helps to remember that even in the difficulty, there can be meaningful moments along the way. Your love and prayers mean a lot.
Sending you, David, your family and especially your father White Light Healing Energy and prayers for peace in the chaos.
Thank you, Jody. I truly appreciate you sending healing energy and prayers our way. It means a lot during a time like this.
Sending you so much love, Dougall. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It is very timely for me, too. I’ve been witnessing my dad through a similar season, an identity loss with his dementia. How beautiful (and hard) it can be when we’re becoming the best versions of ourselves, while witnessing someone we love, losing themself. I resonate deeply with the nostalgic type visions. I’ve had so many moments where I’m reminded of examples like “my dad would totally say this” in this moment. I miss him, too. Although he’s still with us, I feel you understand.
You’re in my thoughts,
Erin
Thank you for sharing that so openly, Erin. I really resonate with what you said about missing someone even while they’re still here. It’s such a tender and complex experience. Sending love to you as you navigate this season with your dad. 💗
Heartfelt Angel hugs winging their way to your Dad, you and David ( as I know he is your anchor in trying times) What you decsribe here reminds me of a Buddhist teaching- “Anyone can be a monk in the monastery, to come down off the mountain and be a monk in the village is where we learn true peace.”
Thank you Deborah. There’s so much truth in the idea that real peace is practiced in the middle of life’s challenges. I really appreciate your kindness. 🩵
Sending peace and healing calm to you at this difficult and challenging time in your life. It sounds like you have it all under control. My father used to say.. you have to roll with it. Ups and downs, all the emotions. Lean into God and prayer and breath and peace. Escape to a chapel and ask for guidance from your angels. And always be thankful for the time you had together
Ask and you shall receive…. 🙏🏼
Thank you, Kathy. I really appreciate the reminder about leaning into prayer and breath during moments like this. Those small practices can make such a difference when things feel overwhelming. Your kindness means a lot.
Thank you, Kathy. I really appreciate the reminder about leaning into prayer and breath during moments like this. Those simple practices can be so grounding when everything feels uncertain. Your kindness and support mean a lot.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Dougall. I will keep you and your dad in my prayers. It sounds like you handled the situation with a lot of love and wisdom and, yes, without just reacting.
I was listening just this morning to a spiritual podcast and the author was relaying a story:
A man asked the Taoist Masters how they rode their horses without holding on and they replied, “ Just ride the horse in the direction it’s going.” They went with the flow.
It sounds like you did just that—waiting with calm and love and dealing appropriately with each person in each situation.
Thanks for reminding us to do that, too.
Love to you, David and your dad.
Rosemary
Thank you, Rosemary. I love that image of riding the horse in the direction it’s going. There’s something very peaceful about that kind of acceptance and presence in the moment. I really appreciate your prayers and your thoughtful reflection.
Dear Dougall
I am so sorry to hear your father is not doing well all my love and prayers to you and your family. He is the most caring, loving person
Beside being so much fun ,
Your in my thoughts and prayers
Merrie
Thank you so much, it means a lot to hear you describe him that way. 💜
My prayers with you and your father. Those are hard times and at the same time, an opportunity to show love, be loving…
I send you a big hug, this too shall pass…and you will have the memory of doing your best for your love one.
Much love to you my dear Dougall!!
Fer
Thank you, Fernando. I really appreciate your prayers and your kind words. You’re totally right that moments like this are a powerful opportunity to show love, even when things feel difficult. Sending you a big hug back.
Oh, Dougall, thank you for sharing this. I went through this with my father with dementia in the hospital. It was challenging it was for him to know what was happening to him since he only was aware of the present. Thanks for reminding us that one’s calm center is a choice. My heart breaks a little bit for you for what you are going through even though you are learning and managing at the same time.
Thank you, Twana, I really appreciate you sharing that you went through something similar with your father. Your kindness and understanding mean a lot. 💙